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Mansplaining Porn, and What “Reality” Looks Like From Doodbro Land October 21, 2010

Posted by FCM in health, PIV, pop culture, porn, rape.
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i have linked to this before, as the most egregious example of mansplaining i have heard to date: a male “sex therapist and relationship counselor” (yes thats a full three red-flags) mansplaining to women who are offended that their husbands use porn, why they *shouldnt* feel that way, even though they do.  apparently, if we could just see it through a mans eyes, it wouldnt seem so problematic!  oh, and “porn” is the same thing as “masturbation” and masturbation is healthy, therefore so is porn.  you know, according to the title.  yes, even the lowly copy editors are in on it, and completely invested in seeing porn as unproblematic:

For many guys porn is basically a 30-second spa day, complete with happy ending: It feels good, relieves stress and functions as a quick little treat — kind of like scarfing down a bag of Gummi Bears in the middle of the day. It doesn’t mean we’re not interested in having “a real meal” with the woman we love, but sometimes we’re in the mood for a snack.

thanks for mansplaining that, doctor!  much like listening to fun-fems and transactivists speaking, i sometimes actually enjoy listening to mansplanations on various topics, because we are getting it from the horses mouth: what its like to “be a man” and what reality looks like, from where they are standing.  you know, assuming they arent lying about all of it of course, and making shit up to deliberately obfuscate certain truths.  but given the utter earnestness of most doodsplainers, who seem to actually believe the shit thats coming out of their own mouths, lets just pretend for a moment that they are accurately describing “reality” as they know it, and as they see it.  (thats extremely generous obviously, but the earnestness just gets me.  what about teh menz!!!11!!1)

and mens “reality” looks a hell of a lot different than womens, as the porn-problem illustrates.  apparently, in doodbroland, porn is exactly the same as gummy bears, and is completely unproblematic!  you know, if you are a man.  completely ignoring the problematic image of “consumption” this mansplanation evokes, cause thats just too easy…porn is unproblematic for men, because men cant get pregnant.  men think that women and vaginas are just fuckholes, for men. men think that the only problem with rape, is that men sometimes go to jail, for rape.  so they are completely invested in redefining “sex” to include rape-behaviors and acts of rape, and redefining “female pleasure” to include every sensation and emotion a woman might have, while she is being raped.  this is the male agenda, and its male reality.  and porn is completely consistent with that agenda, and with that reality.

but women know better.  we *can* get pregnant.  we *know* that women and our vaginas are not just fuckholes, for men.  we know that rape and PIV arent that different, and that rape is problematic in MANY ways, and PIV is too.  and that visceral “NO” that so many women experience in their bodies and minds when they see porn, and know that their partners are using porn is a response by women, responding as women, from a reality that is completely different than the one men inhabit.  the “NO” is also the recognition, by women, that the men we are financially and emotionally dependant on, and legally bound to oftentimes, see women as fuckholes for men.  that they see women as a sexual class as not-human, at all.  that we have bought into the biggest lie of all, and recognizing it, for what it is: that we are up to our eyeballs in dangerous male sexuality, and dependant on men to recognize us as human beings, when they cant, and they wont. NO.  NO.  NO.  but its true.

from doodbroland, women also appear to enjoy children, and being mothers.  because, you know, women are constantly being knocked up, by men, and bearing children.  but guess what dickwads?  this isnt even close to being true.  men demand PIV-centric sexuality from women, and PIV makes babies.  DUH.  because vaginas are organs, that do stuff.  and NOT just fuckholes, for men.  in reality, many, many, MANY women never wanted children, but ended up with them anyway.  many, many, MANY women are contemplating the proactive choice *not* to procreate, at all, ever, and almost all women, for much of their lives, across time and place are trying to mitigate the effects of dangerous male sexuality (ie. pregnancy) by being on the pill and using other dangerous and painful devices to specifically avoid it. 

and others are having serious thoughts and discussions about what it means to make more male-children, and to be slaves to the whims of male-bodied persons, by having male children.  even to the point of choosing (GASP) sex-selective abortion.  (yes, they are).  and none of this can be reconciled with the belief that “women enjoy children, and being mothers.”  none of it.

but doodbroland is a fucking scary, scary place, and its a terrifying tragedy, no travesty, that this is the only reality that matters.  but it is the only reality that matters.  from this reality, women look like are inhuman fuckdolls.  and women who dont agree with mens assessment of us are seen as having a “break from reality.”  in the literal sense.  as in, we are, literally, insane, when we remove ourselves from this male-created reality for any length of time, before being summarily squashed back into it.  we have men lining up to tell us that *our* assessment of *their* assessment of reality, is wrong.  but we arent wrong.

and now, some graphics!  if men are completely used to seeing women like this, or think that women actually look like this, or that women enjoy looking like this:

when they see women looking like this, or, you know, complaining about domestic violence, it doesnt seem that bad.  to them.  who cares? 

(or is it the other way around?  many, many men are perfectly used to seeing their wives and gfs with black eyes, so the “smoky eye” just seems normal, and sexy?  who knows.  probably both.)

and where even medical students (aka. eventual doctors) think that female genitals look like this (gaping twats waiting to be filled with something, or “holes” if you will):

this seems perfectly reasonable too (especially since so many men use porn, AND they dont seem to know where babies come from, at all):

the neovagina

i really, really think that women, all women, have the power to pull ourselves out of the muck, as it were, and see things for what they really are.  to literally, LITERALLY see two worlds at once, and to recognize that mens reality, isnt real, at all.  when we do this, it feels like…well, again, it feels like “NO.”  it feels like a huge sense of “NO” that overwhelms, and crushes, and smacks us in the face.  and again, when this happens, every time it happens, we are having “breaks from reality.”  which is also (of course) a euphemism for mental illness, and our recognition that mens reality isnt real, is treated as such.  we are treated as if we are mentally ill, for seeing it, for what it is.

and indeed, recognizing two worlds at once seems witchy and “mystical” in some ways, and maybe it is.  the language around it, and the image it conjures certainly is.  but if women are seen as intuitive, or psychic, or as magical or as witches or whatever (or as mentally ill) for being able to literally, LITERALLY remove ourselves from our bodies at times, and see ourselves interacting with other bodies, as they really are…well thats straight-up “objectivity,” is what it is.  thats the very definition of objectivity in fact.  and if men think that “objectivity” is mystical, its only because they have no frame of reference, and no explanation for it, at all.  because they arent objective, at all.  no matter how badly they want to believe otherwise about themselves, men are simply not rational, at all.

you know, giving them the entire benefit of the doubt, that they arent just fucking LYING.  about everything.  either way…they are just downright dangerous.

Comments

1. joy - October 21, 2010

This is an impressive post, and well summarized.

Another one that was just intuitive to me (like, duh, I live in two worlds, my reality and dudes’ reality, tell me something new), but you put it very well. And I couldn’t.

Like I said on the other post: sometimes ‘psychic’ just means ‘good instincts.’ And like you said, you get good damn instincts when you are raised in an abusive environment. You know when shit’s up. You know when it’s about to hit the fan.

Or you don’t. You maybe indulge in magical thinking. You maybe become a fun-fem or practice BDSM. You perhaps change genders. You convince yourself that doing the same damn thing that is actually hurting you, again and again and again and a fucking gain, won’t hurt you. It will help you.

And then they call the rest of us crazy. And lock us up. And give us meds. And rape us. And throw away the key.

factcheckme - October 21, 2010

i also found some images of female lips looking “plump” and bloody…one from makeup, and the other from facial trauma. but they were too gross. i like to think the point was made with the racoon-eyes, but if it wasnt, hopefully it is now. imagine the lips parallel yourself, or google it.

also, the MRAs have found this post and found it interesting, probably due to the sex-selective abortion reference. all three words of it, and one link. even though this post isnt even about sex-selective abortion, and EVEN THOUGH sex-selective abortion is a problem for girl-babies globally, and its not a problem for boy-babies AT ALL. sex-selecting for girl children SHOULD make the ev-psychs and poon-dog MRAs very happy actually, since it would make males more valuable and women more expendable numbers-wise, and supports mens theory that men like to spread their seeds around, impregnating as many women as possible (and therefore obviously the more women and less men the better, and nature even slightly favors it too!!11!!1!) BUT NO. when their own logic and doodbro arguments come full circle to bite them in the ass, all they can do is throw temper-tantrums, and say how unfair it all is, to them.

2. Boner Killer - October 21, 2010

“apparently, in doodbroland, porn is exactly the same as gummy bears, and is completely unproblematic!”
pretty much! these dudes are ridiculous, it’s so pathetic that other dudes even take them seriously. ugh, it’s so goddamn bothersome!
this was a great post.

3. SheilaG - October 21, 2010

Very brilliant comparison to made up faces and female faces bashed by men! Just when I thought creepy make-up couldn’t be made to appear worse!

4. FAB Libber - October 21, 2010

The (marginally) good news is that when you approach or hit 50, you become invisible. So no real pressure to spend an hour applying racoon eyes and clownface. But the bad news is that you basically become unemployable – they don’t like employing “uppity old women” who won’t play office handmaiden.

sex-selecting for girl children SHOULD make the ev-psychs and poon-dog MRAs very happy actually, since it would make males more valuable and women more expendable numbers-wise, and supports mens theory that men like to spread their seeds around, impregnating as many women as possible (and therefore obviously the more women and less men the better, and nature even slightly favors it too!!11!!1!) BUT NO. when their own logic and doodbro arguments come full circle to bite them in the ass, all they can do is throw temper-tantrums, and say how unfair it all is, to them.

Yeah, you would think the dudes would be all for less doodbros to share the doodbro pie (and all to be kings with harems, whatevs), but they don’t. Probably because they know they need to have equal or greater numbers to keep females in check. Men fear even small numbers of women getting together in women-only groups, just in case we do hatch a successful plot to do away with them.

5. kurukurushoujo - October 22, 2010

For many guys porn is basically a 30-second spa day, complete with happy ending: It feels good, relieves stress and functions as a quick little treat — kind of like scarfing down a bag of Gummi Bears in the middle of the day. It doesn’t mean we’re not interested in having “a real meal” with the woman we love, but sometimes we’re in the mood for a snack.

That’s an inaccurate description of how it feels like when you masturbate to porn. It’s not like “scarfing down a bag of Gummi bears” and it’s not like “a 30-second spa day”. It’s more like having a quick and ultimately unsatisfying release of erectile build-up. It ruins masturbation and ruins your fantasy. I can only feel pity for the men (and women) who can only achieve orgasm by masturbation via the consumption of porn. It doesn’t leave you any time to actually carefully build up arousal, to endulge your fantasies properly, to concentrate on your body. How you can prefer the sensations you achieve while you jack off to porn to the use of other mediums (fanfiction, your own head) is completely beyond me. I guess most really only care about having their dull and one-dimensional image of women reinforced.

6. kristina - October 22, 2010

I had seen a psychiatrist comment on this woman having problems with her husband viewing porn and he described how he got this “couple” over that issue…It basically said why do you have a problem with your husband viewing porn?, and eventually came to the conclusion through some clever coercing of the woman that she really had a desire deep down to view it, and her dislike for it was a result of cultural conditioning….yuck I wanted to fucking puke! Like women haven’t really seen porn, even if we didn’t seek it out…it’s in front of our face everyday…and that’s the mild stuff…but if we don’t like that, maybe we’ll love the rape-tastic scenes of violence instead…. ewwww…. doodbro logic…really makes me sick!

7. Undercover Punk - October 22, 2010

One-dimensional!!

I’ve been thinking about this: feminism as mental illness. It really is a different REALITY. It strips away man-centered frameworks and allows us to see the world in a dangerous, UNACCEPTABLE way. “Hysteria,” of course.

factcheckme - October 22, 2010

That’s an inaccurate description of how it feels like when you masturbate to porn. It’s not like “scarfing down a bag of Gummi bears” and it’s not like “a 30-second spa day”.

well this is an interesting point. are you suggesting that the doctor was LYING about what mens “reality” is really like? as if perhaps they arent as interested in accurately describing their own reality (or even really examining it at all) as they are just getting their fucking wives and gfs off their goddamned backs, and they will say anything to make this happen? its something to think about. as i said, assuming that they are telling the truth (in general) is being extremely generous.

factcheckme - October 22, 2010

eventually came to the conclusion through some clever coercing of the woman that she really had a desire deep down to view it, and her dislike for it was a result of cultural conditioning

now theres a mansplanation for you! how about the mans desire to watch porn being culturally conditioned, and that “deep down” he had a desire NOT to watch it? i dont know how these people live with themselves. it bothers me very much to think about. it makes me CRAZY in fact. and the fact that “couples” are going to “couples therapy” to overcome the porn-problem in thier relationship says alot. it really does. i means that there are men who are legally bound to women, who made certain promises to them when they were married, and that he is threatening to abandon her and thier marriage and leave her AND THEIR SHARED CHILDREN to rot in post-divorce poverty (ex-husbands standard of living is known to drastically improve post-divorce of course) because he insists that he has the “right” to use porn, and she doesnt have the “right” to expect him to view women as human. it means that her “NO” means “maybe” and that its a jumping-off point to start negotiations. specifically sexual negotiations. where have we heard this before? and it means that the woman is willing to do whatever it takes to “save her marriage” by overcoming her own “NO” and this almost always has quite alot to do with her financial dependance on her husband, and her knowledge that MOST men use porn, and that she probably wont ever find one that doesnt. so why not just get over her aversion to it now, instead of putting off the inevitable? its fucking sickening, is what it is. god, it makes me want to fucking puke.

8. FAB Libber - October 22, 2010

are you suggesting that the doctor was LYING about what mens “reality” is really like? as if perhaps they arent as interested in accurately describing their own reality (or even really examining it at all) as they are just getting their fucking wives and gfs off their goddamned backs, and they will say anything to make this happen? its something to think about. as i said, assuming that they are telling the truth (in general) is being extremely generous.

Yes, I would think that the “gummi bears” and “30 second spa” cracks are EXACTLY designed to get women off their collective pornified backs.

The two comparisons; a spa (something harmless that women do to treat themselves) and gummi bears (a childlike treat) are meant to disguise what is really going on in their heads when they wank off to porn, and make it sound all light and fluffy and harmless.

You will never get the truth out of men’s mouths when they are justifying their porn. But, you will get an inkling of what is going on in their heads when you look at the language used in porn, the popular search engine terms, as well as the most popular acts (eg ATM, bukake).

Terms like “filthy little sl*t” … well, that’s just dripping with respect, isn’t? /sarcasm.

factcheckme - October 22, 2010

feminism-as-mental-illness. YES. it seems very much that this is the case, and i have personally been accused of this more than once. even though, you know, true “mental illness” is usually only diagnosed by professionals, not arm-chair psychiatrists like so many people think they are, when it comes to women…not that the pros are to be trusted either of course, but just saying. AND “mental illness” doesnt even really need to be treated, unless its affecting your ability to function. also a dubious criteria, since it means you have to be able to function in a fucked up doodbroland where most people would be completely ambivalent if women DIED, ESPECIALLY feminists. just again, i am just saying. i have a real job, and a real life. i bet that just pisses people off no end.

actually, i seem to recall that the ONE PERSON in my real life who knows i own this blog, showed it to her husband for some reason. his response: “is she mentally ill?” says it all really. even though i have been friends with her and her entire family for 30 years, and they all know i am successful, and functional, and reasonable, and a perfectly decent person in real life. i have also been around their children and pets without harming them.

9. joy - October 22, 2010

“feminism as mental illness. It really is a different REALITY. It strips away man-centered frameworks and allows us to see the world in a dangerous, UNACCEPTABLE way. “Hysteria,” of course.”

Yep. As I wrote on the other thread, I got committed to an actual insane asylum for, basically, being a feminist.

I’m reasonably functional, although I do have hermit tendencies and work from home and wear weird clothes. I’m pretty sure I was far, far more ‘with it’ than most of the professionals who were imprisoning me and the other totally lucid rape victims in that hell hole.

No. I’m totally not over it, either.

10. Sargassosea - October 22, 2010

“i have also been around their children and pets without harming them.”

OMFG! I don’t believe you!1!!11 It’s imposible, I say.😉

I’ve been being told that I’m “wierd” or “crazy” since I was about 4. Yeah, I’m crazy like a feminist.

11. kristina - October 22, 2010

What if mental illness, since defined by men being the norm, (save a few illnesses like Alzheimer’s)are really the normal way of dealing with a society in which men are considered default?
I’m thinking that mental illnesses that are mostly acquired by women are a response to the “normalcy” of men… scary thought.

12. kurukurushoujo - October 22, 2010

well this is an interesting point. are you suggesting that the doctor was LYING about what mens “reality” is really like? as if perhaps they arent as interested in accurately describing their own reality (or even really examining it at all) as they are just getting their fucking wives and gfs off their goddamned backs, and they will say anything to make this happen?

This could be. It could also be that they think that the emotionally weak experience they find with porn is equivalent to what women feel when they have a spa or eat Gummi Bears. This would mean that their whole emotional make-up is too insufficient to imagine a better feeling than jacking off in front of a computer screen. Which is scary because it means that they have absolutely no idea about the very different and varied emotions that humans are capable of.
But I would wager that this completely illogical comparisons (Gummi Bears? Really?) are the product of denial or of, yes, the desire to get women off their backs. I’m obviously speaking out of personal experience and I can attest to the fact that when I jacked off to porn in the past, it had nothing to do with any sensual pleasure: I wanted to orgasm and I wanted to orgasm quickly so I used porn. It’s sharp and superficial, no comparison to the intense climaxes you reach when fully concentrated and properly aroused. If this is all the auto-sexual pleasure some men give themselves I’m not surprised by their dismal treatment of their partners.
Porn is also made for this kind of masturbation. The sex is quick and violent because you want to get off quickly and as emotionally detached as possible so the women lack any personality and are reduced to a sexual function (for many, this is also the only way to get off- depersonalized so that they don’t have to deal with emotions and women as fully human beings and demanding partners). The reason why men look at the female performers’ faces is connected to this: you want to reassure yourself that she likes what is done to her since although you realize that the sex is emotionally empty and rough you desire to ease your conscious and that is easily done when you can tell yourself that she enjoyed it. What is scary is that you can learn to accept the status object of women much more easily through this all, especially if your own sexuality is underdeveloped and you are afraid of real intimacy.
Most women only roll their eyes at porn because they don’t have enough experience with watching it. This is why a man can talk this Gummi Bear nonsense and have women accept it.

I’m pretty sure I was far, far more ‘with it’ than most of the professionals who were imprisoning me and the other totally lucid rape victims in that hell hole.

There is nice scene in the manga “Homunculus” about this. Our protagonist, who sees people as a metaphor for their inner selves (for example, someone who can’t show weakness as a robot whose shell crumbles), visits a mental institution to give a demonstration of his ability to the psychiatrist in charge. All patients look normal, i.e. they don’t appear as metaphors, i.e. their outer appearance matches their inner feelings. The protagonist turns around, looks at the psychiatrist and sees as small dog with a giant badge (as far as I remember) which shows his rank. So yeah, often “mentally-ill” people are more normal than “normal” people. (I would still not recommend the manga since there’s a chapter in which a girl finds her true self through being raped. I was practually wtf-ing from morning to evening.)

I’m thinking that mental illnesses that are mostly acquired by women are a response to the “normalcy” of men… scary thought.

Mental illnesses are often a normal reaction to the insanity of society’s demands. This is why some therapists make it their personal mission to heal their patients by turning them normal or fashioning them into a stereotype (e.g., a therapist might encourage a gender-non-stereotypical women to transition).

13. sonia - October 22, 2010

I love how your own blog is expanding your own mind. You rock.

Are you reading “Politics of Reality” too? She whups ass and reminds us:

Reality comes from the root meaning regal, and originally just meant, the property of the king. Reality has always simply meant, the way the man says things are. “Real” in Spanish still literally means King.

btw I know you’re being snarkacious but I would never make this assumption:

“assuming they arent lying about all of it of course, and making shit up to deliberately obfuscate certain truths.”😉

14. sonia - October 22, 2010

also- expanding into PIV-normative territory, I know, but- I always had a strong PIV drive, so letmetellyouthis:

women who actually aren’t victims of PIV but try to use it the way men do get called crazy too. I’m not saying the harmful effects of PIV aren’t still there, they are, but if you try to act like a man, and some women very much can do this- enjoy sex without any commitment or emotional attachment to men- men will straight up tell you that you’re crazy. In other words, being an emotional wreck and aquiring mental and emotional damage from PIV behavior, while seen as crazy, is seen as more crazy IF YOU DON’T ACQUIRE the expected damage.

There’s no fucking way to win except not fucking.

15. Undercover Punk - October 22, 2010

hey sonia, I agree that women aren’t allowed to act like men, but I think that the capacity to “enjoy sex without any commitment or emotional attachment to men” is to internalize the values of patriarchal sex (aka male sexuality).

I can masturbate with myself all day. The REASON I have sex with another person (I mean, my wife) is BECAUSE of the interpersonal bond that we form. The idea that we should be able to REMOVE this aspect of the exchange is a male-centered reality. The idea that removing the HUMAN connection between lovers is a GOOD thing is a male-centric idea. The idea, upon which our entire hyper-sexualized popular culture is built, is designed so that men can more easily USE women’s bodies, of course. Men can IMPREGNATE us all the while saying that NOTHING REALLY happened; they shouldn’t have any responsibility!!

Anyways, I’m sure you get my drift. Patriarchal sex/male sexuality is not just PIV, but the unquestioned notion that we can and should have physical intimacy without emotion. I think it’s really destructive. To the spirit. And that’s my opinion.🙂

factcheckme - October 22, 2010

i am also not sure how any or at least very many women could have PIV and not experience involuntary trauma-bonding, due to the sharing of a dangerous encounter with another person. its INVOLUNTARY afterall! same with BDSM and how it affects you chemically, your body releases chemicals and hormones when you are in pain, and it causes all kinds of things to happen in your mind and body too (like feeling like you are connected with your abuser, among other things). and again, its involuntary. i guess you could choose to IGNORE it, and not “humiliate yourself” by following the dude around afterwards…but i wouldnt say it was the same thing men experience after using women for sex. would you?

16. Undercover Punk - October 22, 2010

@kristina: “I’m thinking that mental illnesses that are mostly acquired by women are a response to the “normalcy” of men… scary thought.”

Yeah, I’m thinking the same thing. Actually, I don’t know if this is relevant, but…my wife has been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. She/we reject it. But my point is that Fibro is very much a woman’s disease and that SSRIs (anti-depressants) have been shown to work as effective PAIN KILLERS for the symptoms. It’s weird!

17. kristina - October 22, 2010

UP…that is weird, it seems as though the body is going through a physical response to stress in a severe manner… for me, I have bipolar disorder, depression, general anxiety, and social anxiety disorder…I’m dreading having to look for a job outside my home… it’s enough for me to muster up the courage to take out the trash and get the kids from the bus…I’m a shut-in out of my own “choice” some days are better than others…SSRIs didn’t seem to work for me…I would have given anything to be fake happy like so many people have described while on the medication, but it just made me sleepy, dysfunctional, and more depressed because of that…but at least my sex drive went down…LOL! The most freeing thing about that, was I didn’t give a shit about approval…but it still didn’t open me up enough to be social, just allowed me to take criticism and not care…Ecstasy on the other hand back when I did that, was what I wish prescribed medications could do for me.

18. kurukurushoujo - October 22, 2010

Also about women being driven insane by men:

“Passing from the moral to the physical phase, take the statistics of any insane asylum, and you will find that, out of the different classes, unmarried women furnish the largest one. To preserve your cruel, vicious, indecent standard of purity (?) you drive your daughters insane, while your wives are killed with excess. Such is marriage. Don’t take my word for it; go through the report of any asylum or the annals of any graveyard.”

From here. Written in 1890. How far we have not come.

19. SheilaG - October 22, 2010

This trauma bonding thing would explain why women get so hypnotized by PIV. One of the things that would always weird me out was watching straight women with really bad boyfriends… the usual “what does she see in him..” routine. Or even the stupid love stories in musical theater, where the songs are so sexist as to be beyond belief… Hello Dolly.. why does independent Dolly Levi fall in love with the repulsive Horrace Vangergelder,for instance?

So these are propaganda pieces to get women to go along. The hyper sexualized culture is all about men “grooming” women to have more and more deadly deadening sex.

And gay men would seriously ask me why they couldn’t find a good relationship. Older men in particular would whine endlessly about this to me.
“Well you hop into bed with a man, but you never get to know him first,” and then you wonder why he never calls you back. “You can’t take “intimacy shortcuts.” But they were so used to exploiting men, and exploiting sex, that they didn’t even get it.

You will be thought mentally ill just for questioning women on why they sleep with men. Why they aren’t horrified by men in general. Straight women have these huge defense mechanisms, these huge denial mechanisms. Also patriarchy is very clever at indulging young women, conning them with romance, getting them hooked, so to speak.

Then the women get older, realize..too late, I may add, that they had all that sex with real creeps, just good college or high school prom fun fem stuff, and it destroys them. Only then do they seem to wake up to radical feminism, and this is the cross young het women have to bear, because young het women aren’t going to listen to lesbians, and it’s too bad, but absolutely true.

It can be a danger to radical feminism, because it comes on the heels of personal disaster stories. My attraction to radical feminims was not because I wasted my life with men, but because it liberated me and other lesbians. I never gave a damn about the men, but I loved the company of radical women who didn’t waste a life on PIV, birth control, dating men, boring me to death talking about MEN! Yikes I rant I know, but it seems that young women today are continuing to fall into the PIV trap, and like moths to the flame are going to persist forever in this behavior.

20. sonia - October 22, 2010

“the capacity to “enjoy sex without any commitment or emotional attachment to men” is to internalize the values of patriarchal sex (aka male sexuality)”

I don’t agree with that, although I know many feminists feel that way. I have always cared about my partner’s feelings, however I’m not attached to them. I think you can love someone and be fine if they walked away tomorrow. All this neediness, for me it’s a result of the patriarchal wounding. From a little girl i wanted to engage boys in..well, whatever, no need to get way personal- but I had the urge to engage, be affectionate and then it was like, whatever. I like you, but I don’t need you to come home to me every night. I just frankly am more grounded in myself.

Actually, I think we’re making the same point though because what I think you may be saying is a total lack of care about another person’s feelings being patriarchal sexuality. I agree with that. I think “sex” can be noncomitted without being harmful to the other person.

But let me not go off about male-female PIV dynamics on FCM’s blog here. I just wanted to make that distinction. I don’t think it’s natural for women to be so needy as they are towards men around sex. I think they are trying to fill a void left by emotional wounds from patriarchy and lack of real and meaningful connection with females. But yeah, dudes don’t do it right either.

21. sonia - October 22, 2010

also it might just be a personality thing. I am not naturally a monogamist, but some people naturally are. there is that distinction too. I think you can be a healthy monogamist without being needy. I just mean how the average patriarchal brainwash job leaves women sobbing in gratitude over engagement rings and if you prefer to bone and go, you’re “crazy”. you know..

22. sonia - October 22, 2010

“This trauma bonding thing would explain why women get so hypnotized by PIV. One of the things that would always weird me out was watching straight women with really bad boyfriends… the usual “what does she see in him..” routine.”

right on Sheila! hey UP should i drop that Frye quote on this?

23. SheilaG - October 22, 2010

I agree that women’s emotional neediness is a patriarchal thing. Women are clingy-hopey-needy..male dependent and simpering… this is not natural. I notice that hetero women get insecure and resort to the “my husband” chorus. My husband this, my husband that… very weird, and this is a kind of pathological neediness and sevileness that straight men “get off” on. Helpless needy women who are looking for a knight in shining armor.. all patriarchal conditioning.

Almost impossible for lesbians to even approximate this neediness… we have Dyke Drama don’t get me wrong.

PIV male sexuality hypnosis is so engrained in the culture, straight women so targeted with make-up ads and Glamour, Harper’s Bizaar… women’s magazines — “7 sizzly things to make your man wild in the bedroom” type stories… just that advertising alone gets straight women always insecure about their looks, the make-up, the shoes the shopping… Heck, if I had all those ads directed at me, using perfect lesbian stuff, I’d be hypnotized and needy too… but Mr. Mad Men Inc. don’t bother with “the lesbian market”– because we don’t exist and we don’t have any money.

Well, so they think anyway. I’m getting nervous that the damn hetero marriage ad machine is going to go after lesbians, and is to a certain extent, but nothing at all like ads directed at straight women, not even close!

factcheckme - October 22, 2010

regarding advertisements and magazines etc…everytime i walk past a newsstand and see magazines HANGING UP all i see is female flesh hanging from hooks, like meat! ALL MAGAZINES have womens flesh on the covers, mens mags, womens mags, PORN mags, it all looks the same. and to see them HANGING THERE like that every fucking day…i pass them going to work, coming home from work….every day, every day. what if men had to pass by male flesh hanging from hooks every day on their commute? every day, every day? coming and going, TO WORK? what would the world look like, to them? how would they perceive themselves, and other men? how would they assume others were perceiving them? would this even sink in, at all?

and thats just the covers! i dont even read whats inside anymore, unless i am completely bored and theres nothing else to do. its a complete PIV-centric nightmare inside these mags. fuckability, fucking, fucking-related damage control, and breaking up and finding someone new to fuck. its horrifying. absolutely horrifying. thats my rant on magazines!

24. thebewilderness - October 23, 2010

I think that after years of receiving approval exclusively for approval seeking behavior in a society where approval seeking behavior is the expected norm for women it should come as no surprise that many young women pursue a career in approval seeking to the exclusion of all else.
No wonder they are so pissed when they see through the con.

25. sonia - October 23, 2010

I see that too FCM. It is now shocking to me that people I hang out with can’t see it. I feel this sense of horror. I was at a bar the other night and I bought a shot for this girl who was waiting for the strip club next door to open so she could go to work and we were kicking it and I was like, what the fuck. How can people NOT see women’s souls? How could any dude talk to this girl and let her dance for him and not see that she’s a person? All I wanted to do was wrap her up in my arms and I feel that same way when I see dude mags hanging up like that. I feel sad and horrified, like when you see films of slaughterhouses. How can men do all this without even seeing what they’re doing? Or their evil is so deep it might just be incomprehensible to us.

Why is it so fucking hard to understand that women are people?

26. SheilaG - October 23, 2010

It’s not necessarily that women can’t see all this sonia, it’s that they choose to be blind, deaf and dumb to survive. I truly believe that straight women don’t want to know or can’t handle the truth of how much men truly hate and objectify women.

27. Elfity - October 23, 2010

About that whole mental illness comparison- I completely see where you’re coming from. After all, who has decided what constitutes a mental illness? Why, the heteropatriarchy of course! This means that anything not pleasing to the patriarchal eye is automatically classified as mental illness. Following that logic, radical feminism is a mental illness of the first order. This is just evidence of how nothing has changed since Freudian and pre-Freudian psychiatry. I’m sure they’d love to stick this in the DSM.

28. Sargassosea - October 23, 2010

Ack – the magazines, they burn!

This past January/February stuck in an endless grocery line I made the foolish choice to have a look inside a Cosmo rag. There was a card-weight pull-out of several pubic hair waxing templates, for women (natch!). Hearts, champagne glasses, ‘Be Mine‘…

I literally blurted out “What the fuck is THIS?!” and I turned this crap around so the womyn near me could see it. And I could tell by their reactions that these 4-5 womyn wondered why I was having such a strong reaction – like, just what did I think I was going to see inside a Cosmo?

And Sheila, your mentioning the marriage ad machine beginning to be targeted at lesbians put me immediately in mind of Cover Girl’s two latest *spokes models*, Queen Latifah and Ellen DeGeneres. Et tu, sisters?😦

Bewilderness: Well said!

29. SheilaG - October 23, 2010

eeek saragassosea– I was stuck in a hardware store of all places and looked through Harper’s Bazaar I think— Ellen Degeneres was on the inside cover advertising make-up! SHOCK!

30. FemmeForever - October 24, 2010

Sheila, clearly you don’t own a TV. Those Ellen makeup commercials have been airing close to two years now.

And what’s this about Latifah being lesbian? What do you know that i don’t know?

factcheckme - October 24, 2010

yes, ellen has been hawking cover girl for awhile now. at least she has a sense of humor about it i guess. her TV ads are pretty funny.

re: men driving women insane…what do almost all men say about their ex gfs/wives after theyve broken up? that they are all CRAZY. yeah no shit. what they neglect to consider of course is that most of these women started out sane, and were driven insane BY THEM, by being repeatedly traumatized by abusive PIV-entitlement and trauma bonding, medical events, his porn habit, and god knows what else. and those are just “average” het relationships, and not including traditional “abuse.” this is NORMAL, when you are dating men. and you know how fucking AWESOME you feel, when you finally get out of the relationship? as if youve just come home from war. thats how i always felt anyway. it was never as bad as anyone made it out to be. again, talking about just normal relationships only, with the normal kinds of abuse and trauma that wont come a-stalking or a-stabbing or a-shooting you when you finally leave. ie. “good” and “healthy” and definitely NOT ABUSIVE. heh. i am starting to seriously wish i could do-over my entire twenties. no shit.

factcheckme - October 24, 2010

insane = “insane” with extra /s.

31. girl - October 24, 2010

i am learning so much all over this post and comments and seeing all these different perspectives.

people are always telling my mom she’s paranoid because she worries all the time about the crap my father put her through and that he’ll find her (like, she moved a couple months ago and through the grapevine she found out he knows) and hurt her. because he’s uh, done it before, and he could make it worse. i think she’s pretty reasonable to be concerned considering she has responsibility for another not yet grown kid, and if she let anything bad happen to my little sister everyone would blame her for being an incompetent woman.

i definitely think most women don’t want to realize all the shit men put us through. earlier today i was helping my mom buy some new bookshelves for her house (which she still isn’t settled into yet completely since she’s working herself to death to put food on the table for that kid her ex husband pays hardly a cent of child support for, while he gets to cavort about with no responsibilities to speak of) and they were a little heavy but we’re both pretty tall and strong and completely capable of lifting them ourselves. but this man comes rushing up to us to ‘help’ us put them in her car, even though we lifted them off the warehouse shelves onto the flatbed ourselves and everything. he completely rearranges how my mother had been planning to put the boxes in and basically just sprays his ~supremely awesome manly selflessness~ everywhere and my mom was so complacent with this asshole treating her like an incompetent. i wanted to tell this guy to fuck off, but that probably would’ve been considered ‘crazy’ now that i think about it!

and you totally have it right fcm. now that i think about it, i have a female friend who literally attempted suicide because after her first serious college boyfriend broke up with her he told half our campus she was crazy and made her out to be some maniac. and people still act like he’s a ‘nice guy’! even after all the stuff she’s said about him verbally abusing her and even hitting her. it’s absolutely revolting. i guess they consider him better than some of the other men out there, which is a really scary thought.

32. SheilaG - October 24, 2010

Queen Latifa has been in our local lesbian bar a few times, and some friends knew her girlfriends. Kind of an open secret in L.A.

I don’t keep up with pop culture or most TV shows, so I really didn’t see the Ellen commercial for cover girl. It’s pretty weird, however.

33. m Andrea - October 25, 2010

now theres a mansplanation for you! how about the mans desire to watch porn being culturally conditioned, and that “deep down” he had a desire NOT to watch it?

LOVE THAT!!

According to a subset of research which makes men look bad and so never gets the front page, testosterone affects men’s ability to reason in a certain way. It’s easier for them to focus with laser-like intensity on a problem (which might explain why men tend to have much higher rates of obsessions and fetishes) but testosterone also makes it more difficult for men to contemplate anything more complicated than a direct cause-and-effect. In other words, if X makes them happy, then they can notice that X causes their feelings of happiness, but it’s harder for them to even remember to ask what caused X (which would be W). And, they completely forget to ask about the relationship between W and their own response to the RESULT of W.

Which is one reason (in addition to their desire to excuse their harmful behavior) why they equate porn consumption with eating gummi bears. Not only does the porn actress not exist to them as a person, but in the flow chart of their brain where they comtemplate such things, the place the porn actress occupies also doesn’t exist. They are oblivious to the fact that a relationship exists between “that place W” and their own happiness.

But because women can consider indirect cause and effect while men cannot, then men assume we’re magically mystical creatures. No, we’re just smarter than they are. Back in the cave man era, who do you think was smart enought to notice the relationship between that stick on the ground and the twine on the tree, and the fish just waiting to be caught in the sea? Most likely, it wasn’t men.

34. FAB Libber - October 25, 2010

Maybe this mansplainer is playing the old Sesame Street game of “One of these things is not like the other ones”?

Gummi Bears
Day at the spa
Wanking off to a woman being physically/verbally assaulted
Fluffy kittens

Gosh Sesame Street, this really is a tough one. I might need the help of my friend the Rocket Scientist to figure it out.

35. joy - October 26, 2010

“This is why some therapists make it their personal mission to heal their patients by turning them normal or fashioning them into a stereotype (e.g., a therapist might encourage a gender-non-stereotypical women to transition).”

I’ve written elsewhere on here about the “rape counselor” who’s written a book and everything, and mostly wants to “cure” women by making them do PIV again. She calls it “making [them] feel whole again.”

Whoa. That speaks for itself.

Also, girl:

I spoke up about a man raping me. All his friends immediately said I was insane. He then decided I was insane (although previously, he had admitted he raped me — just chose to justify it by saying he didn’t -know- he was raping me when he raped me).

I once escaped an abusive relationship, the stabbing beating kind. Everyone afterwards said I was insane, for “bringing it upon myself”, and even for leaving.

That is probably why a lot of straight women toe the line, and/or stay. Once you realize you don’t need the fuckers’ approval, though … once you realize you don’t need ANYONE …

As much as it traumatized me to the fucking bone, even moreso than the actual rapes/beatings did, it ultimately set me free. I walk around assuming people think I am insane, and not caring.

Although I recently met some (I suspect) separatists in an eastern plains-state city, and one said I had “good energy.” (If you’re reading this, hi! Yep. That’s me.)
Imagine this in a metaphorical sense, if you must. Removing oneself from the male paradigm truly brings a freedom that other people can sense, and they can interpret this as either insanity or personal strength.

Because this is the capitopatriarchy, personal strength is necessarily interpreted by those in the mainstream as complete, total, wackaloon insanity.

36. joy - October 26, 2010

“As much as it traumatized me to the fucking bone, even moreso than the actual rapes/beatings did, it ultimately set me free. I walk around assuming people think I am insane, and not caring.”

“it” being the institutionalization experience. I swear I’m high, not crazy, and that’s why my antecedent failed.

37. Sargassosea - October 26, 2010

FCM –

I’m gearing up to write a post for a forum where I am considered the local man-hating, “all sex is rape”-shouting, INSANE feminist and its subject is basically this: believe it or not, ladies, men DO TOO! believe that women exist to be sexually available (amongst other service-oriented things) at all times! And ima prove it to you!

So, I was wondering if it’d be okay with you if I worked in your PIV=SEX equations? I’ll be sure to credit you for your brilliance (because the equations are simply brilliant), of course, but I hesitate to link directly because I’m sure that by doing so I would be giving the witch-burners too quick an access to your inbox! And that’d bite. For you.

Assuming you’re down with that, how would you prefer I credit you?

factcheckme - October 26, 2010

Direct linkage is fine. Thanks for the heads up.

38. Sargassosea - October 26, 2010

Thank you🙂

39. sonia - October 26, 2010

“Imagine this in a metaphorical sense, if you must. Removing oneself from the male paradigm truly brings a freedom that other people can sense, and they can interpret this as either insanity or personal strength.

Because this is the capitopatriarchy, personal strength is necessarily interpreted by those in the mainstream as complete, total, wackaloon insanity.”

pffft. Just:

word.

factcheckme - October 27, 2010

also, re: personal strength, i agree that this is something that really doesnt jive with the capitopatriarchy, at all. especially for women of course (cause of the big p) but the capitalist aspect of all this is really interesting to me lately. fun-fem empowerfulization is all about consumerism, and they dont even try to conceal that fact. spend your way to empowerment!!!111!!1 which is an entirely different thing than “personal strength” which by definition, isnt dependant on items and gadgets and potions and trinkets, but comes from within. personal strength isnt the same as personal power though, but it doesnt have to be. even maintaining a sense of self that isnt dependant on consumerism is very difficult, and opens doors. it really does. if nothing else, by not spending all your discretionary income on crap, you will be better able to get what you actually need, should you need it. and having some kind of a safety net that doesnt require us using our vaginas to please men, is absolutely key. it makes you think differently about many things, when you remove yourself from the consumerist mindset to any degree. everything just looks different. and that even goes for recreational second-hand shopping! you dont have to be monied to have a consumerist mindset. entire industries are fuelled by the tiny, cheap “indulgences” that women and poor people allow themselves. everyone is sucked into this mindset, even people without any “discretionary” income at all.

theres also something to be said for not sending out a sexxxay/consumerist beacon to every dickwad who can see that very thing coming, from a mile away.

40. SheilaG - October 27, 2010

Yes, inner personal strength or inner happiness is a great thing to develop. I find it so disturbing how women can be so thing and possession oriented.
I often feel that a consumer society really damages women badly, because it is a kind of compensation for emptiness.

Among middle class women, they can talk endlessly about kitchen remodeling. This one thing can destroy a college savings plan. Middle class women somehow don’t know that they can’t afford this stuff the way they used to in the 70s.

But here’s the thing, they get the fancy kitchens, they depleat savings, and then they never want to invide people over and cook for them. I am content with my home as it is, and what is important to me is cooking for my friends and sharing an evening together. Heck, I’m just happy to be with friends.

No matter what social class you are as a woman, you’ll be indoctrinated into shop-a-hall-ism. I’ve watched women who can barely afford to make the rent each month go absolutely NUTS in a shoe store. I think I have written about this before, because the whole experience was just crazy.

I so badly wanted to find out “Why do you need 20 pairs of shoes when you complain about living paycheck to paycheck?” Why?

A consumer crazy world is the most incideous for poor people, because they can’t afford this…

Fun feminists seem to not know this economic reality. People I’ve met from other countries are able to save and send all the kids to college. Working class, black, but NOT American. So in some basic way, because they came here as adults, they couldn’t be seduced by the rampant materialism that assults working class people in America in very cruel ways.

Nothing I can say to women can get them to stop this stuff and save more. NOTHING.

41. sonia - October 28, 2010

I’m definitely taking this anti-shopping talk as a serendipitous personal lesson this week. You gals are so totally right and it’s making me rethink my habits as well as a most recent situation I’ve gotten into with my shopaholism. I find that it can be the kind of drag that depletes my energy and keeps me from accomplishing those bigger and more liberating goals.
Thanks 4 the reminder.

42. thebewilderness - October 28, 2010

It is normal for humans to express “seeking behavior”.
Part of the problem with being conditioned from birth is that the normal behaviors have been restricted and channeled. Shopping is one of the few seeking behaviors that are promoted in our culture. Seeking a mate is the other obvious culturally approved of activity for women.

Recognizing that and directing it yourself seems to me to be a necessary part of becoming who you really are.

factcheckme - October 29, 2010

re seeking behaviors, i once heard a woman describe her astonishment when she first began growing squash or something, and what it was like to go into the garden and start looking for ripe ones to harvest. she said it gave her the same rush as she once got from shopping. she had never had that feeling before, except from shopping, but it shocked her to realize that the feeling had nothing to do with shopping, really.

excellent point bewilderness.

43. SheilaG - October 29, 2010

Could you talk more about “seeking behaviors?” This really interested me. I’d never thought of shopping and “seeking a mate” as behaviors heavily rewarded in patriarchy. I know I have been aware of this somehow, but never conscious of it. This made me stop and think? Wow! Keep women distracted with directing them to SEEK only certain power sapping things, thus shutting down the power of nature!

The naming of the “behavior” has such power.

Growing squash– good example, of how we can “transfer” a seeking behavior into something much healthier. I find that being in nature is liberating, and the more I spend time in it, the healthier I am mentally. Just walking the dog in parks near by, having simple little talks with other “dog people” and listening to birds chirp, or stopping for a moment just to enjoy a sunrise.

As women, our challenge is to accept the “call of the wild” as Mary Daly put it. Daly writes so powerfully about women and nature as did Susan Griffin’s “Woman and Nature.”

But the squash example could free us from “shopping” “Mate shopping.” Seeking seeking, but what?

44. sonia - October 29, 2010

omg crazy! we’re foraging🙂

I need a garden..

45. Sargassosea - October 29, 2010

Seeking behaviors!

I do this with rocks. I really, really like rocks. A lot. I’ll see a rock long before I see a lot of other things.
🙂

46. thebewilderness - October 29, 2010

I’m not sure you were asking me, but I will tell you what I think about it anyway.
It is a thing that I discovered about myself that seemed to me to be the one thing I am quite sure is “hardwired” for all of us.
I love the climb up the learning curve! The slide down the other side is of no particular interest to me. In fact, once I learn how to do a thing then I tend to lose interest. We put a lot of emphasis on the goal, and not so much on the process. To me the learning process, or the seeking if you will, is every bit as enjoyable and rewarding as reaching the goal.
We seek approval and are willing to do just about anything to get it when we are young.
You don’t have to teach a child how to stack blocks. You just hand them the blocks and they will stack them. They will then approve of themselves for figuring out how to stack. Then they knock them down to stack again.
Almost everything we do for entertainment is seeking behavior. Puzzle solving is about enjoying the process. The sense of achievement at the end is gone in a moment, but the pleasure of the process brings us to the next puzzle.
Or the next shopping trip.

47. SheilaG - October 29, 2010

thanks bewilderness, this is interesting. It would explain why it’s so hard for people to change systems… because the seeking if socially too approved of, makes it harder for a person to discover within themselves something truly worthy of a search or seeking.

Example, if no women are ever allowed to do a certain type of job, women who have a great talent in this area might not ever be open to it. But it would be an incredible seeking process if they were somehow able to focus on whatever this was, despite the social conditioning not to.
Hense, easier to shop than plan feminist revolution🙂

48. Let'sGetReal - October 30, 2010

For most of human existence we did not live in civilization. Instead, we lived as hunter-gatherer-horticulturalists. Agriculture and with it civilization changed all of that. There’s an interesting bit in Michael Pollan’s book about food where he talks about hunting, which he’d never done before, and the way in which his senses/perspective changed. To me this is further confirmation of the idea of seeking behavior which hunting-gathering-horticulture all are. Agriculture is not a seeking behavior. Also, these tribal cultures were rarely patriarchal/hierarchical from what I understand, most were egalitarian, despite what mansplainist propaganda today says. Their lives were relatively easy.

49. joy - October 30, 2010

It’s not possible to bow out of capitalism or politics any more than it is to bow (or buy) out of patriarchy, but it’s true, just a shift in thinking away from them can and does make a huge difference.

The bastards get us when they convince us that we need them — that we need their two-party system (or government at all), that we need their not-so-free free markets and lousy pieces of paper with dead men printed on them, that we need their dicks and/or approval and thus need to please their dicks.

I try not to do anything that I know will support these systems, because they destroy souls. (People, in other words; I’m not a godbag, just a poet.) Not just my soul either, although they’ve done a pretty decent job at it.

I don’t vote or listen to political ad campaigns or even bother to give a shit. I’ve worked on various alternative-community-building projects (Food Not Bombs, for example), but those can be very patriarchy-infused, depending on which ones you choose. I’ve lived and worked on squat farms (but they too can be patriarchal, obviously).
I don’t buy shit any more unless I need it (unfortunately, I do sometimes need things, because I lose things in moves a lot; such as when things are too heavy to mail to myself in a different city). And when I do, I buy it used, from someone else whose face I can look at. If possible, I trade for it.
And I don’t do anything to please a man. If I have to do something that might please a man, I try to balance it out by doing something that will definitely not please a man. (For example, whenever I wear a skirt that might show my calves, inch-long leghair is kind of a bonerkiller.) I don’t even bother to brush my hair sometimes.
(This, of course, is all part of why people often think I’m insane.)

The point is: once you stop doing some things, the rest comes easily. Once you realize you don’t need one thing, throwing the rest out (or just never buying it again) is a snap.
I don’t even buy shampoo or household cleaners or laundry detergent any more, just Dr Bronner’s castile soap. (I know Bronner was a weird woo dude, but Bronner soaps are still family-made, proceeds don’t go to a corporation, and anyway I’ve never had any luck with my own at-home soapmaking.) It works on everything from hair to dishes to laundry, although I wouldn’t recommend using it as a toothpaste.

Maybe this was all easy for me, because I was the female child of a rural, impoverished single mother who wasn’t able to save up and put me through college. But seriously. It’s not terribly hard once the ball starts rolling, and the more one breaks free (at least mentally) from the bullshit, the easier it is to maintain. The benefits to one’s mental health, by which I mean actual emotional wellbeing, are enormous once the doublethink stops and the fear recedes. Capitalism, patriarchy, and government all feed upon fear.

Naturally, though, this often brings in the cops, the men with padded wagons, the people with pharmaceuticals. Once people know you’re a man-avoiding, non-PIV-having, hairy-legged, anticapitalist, antigovernment, secondhand-ing, trading, soapmaking non-apologizing feminist woman, people’s crazy-dar starts going off. Often inappropriately.

Because how could a sane person want to opt out of the power systems?! There’s nothing WRONG with these systems!! Right?

50. FemmeForever - November 1, 2010

“And I don’t do anything to please a man. If I have to do something that might please a man, I try to balance it out by doing something that will definitely not please a man. (For example, whenever I wear a skirt that might show my calves, inch-long leghair is kind of a bonerkiller.) ”

LOLOLOLOL! OMG, still laughing…I heart this soooo hard.

Thanks, Joy. For making my day and for getting it on a cellular level that most just never will.

51. joy - November 3, 2010

Thanks, FemmeForever. I’m happy to have helped!

If my ridiculous life and adherence to a way of living that people don’t generally understand, can make somebody’s day, then it won’t be in vain.

52. Nelle - November 24, 2010

Porn is like gummibears-it’s meant to be bought and consumed! Don’t you get it,women are faceless,shapley pieces of jelly. It’s not a big deal because women aren’t people so any degradation of the female body is ok,cus it’s like gummibears! Oh a penny!

I do find porn problematic because many men and boys seem to not separate it from reality. There are plenty of young boys being openly sexist/mysogynistic and it’s downplayed as some “boys being boys” bullshit. Young boys are watching porn and trying to coerce girls into emulate it, and this leaves the girls being slut-shamed,hated,used,or raped. If they really gave half of a crap about their precious porn not being lambasted,they would try to teach boys to separate fantasy from reality-but no,that’s not happening. What’s happening is porn is being normalized in young male society,and young women are paying the price for it. It’s all being normalized and dragged into everyone’s bedroom. Porn is not sex. Porn is not natural. Liking sex is natural, liking someone else having sex through video or other media is not. It’s not a natural setting,it doesn’t involve you-you are just paying for the privilege of being a voyerist.

Men try to normalize porn as being theraputic now. Can men not use their fucking imaginations anymore? Why is porn a *need* for them? To me porn manipulates the human’s sexuality,and in most cases,it’s the male’s. Males seem to be incapable of thinking further than what sexually arouses them. This is why lolita is so popular,or so someone mansplained. Men don’t think about what the fuck they jack off to. For those of you who are unfamiliar,Lolita is an animated /cartoon depiction of sexually active young girls doing erotic things to themselves,other young girls,or men. They don’t want to *think* that the artist may be projecting pedophile fantasies through his work, because that would make them look bad. And we know how image oriented men are-they just hate being seen as pervs or monsters-even though they carry on behaving in such ways with no apologies.


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