How To Lose A Nigel In 9 Years February 3, 2011Posted by FCM in gender roles, health, PIV.
Tags: dependence, PIV, trauma bonding
date him for 8.5 years, then “cut off” his PIV. srsly.
now, i am not 100% sure its over yet, and i am not necessarily interested in blabbing about it here, if and when it does end. but i think there are a few things i can (and in fact probably should) mention here, for anyone who is curious as to the effects on a relatively harmonious, long-term het relationship, where the female partner decides to put the kabash on PIV for “political reasons” (because womens physical and psychological health, and equality within the context of het partnerships are POLITICAL issues!!!111!1!) and there arent many places you can go to get this kind of information are there? i mean really. there are very few people who are doing this, so far as i can tell.
and i actually am going to spare you the details of nigels response to all of this, because its mostly predictable, and boring. the one thing that i will mention is that pretty mutually, only limited attempts were ever made to replace PIV with other kinds of sexual contact, even though i expressly said i was up for doing “other things.” and that even those limited attempts ended almost right away. make of this what you will.
what i think is interesting and unexpected about this really was my own response, to being PIV-free for any length of time, and also knowing that it would be a permanent change (as opposed to a “dry spell”). and whats most notable at the moment is that once i knew for 100% certain at all times that i definitely wasnt pregnant, what little dependence i had on old nigel evaporated. it was just…gone. and i hadnt even realized it had been there, until it wasnt. i mean, i am the only one with a fucking job at the moment for example. in every observable way, *he* is actually fairly dependent on *me*. which is probably one (the only? the main?) reason he didnt leave immediately, as soon as the PIV ended, and which suggests the reason het relations look like what they look like, today. if women held the economic (coercive?) power in the majority of het relationships, het sexuality would probably look a lot different than it does now. wouldnt it? which makes all of this of course highly suspect. but i digress.
at first it was small things that made me aware that something had changed, like when i went to the doctor and was asked “is there any chance you might be pregnant?” i could answer “no” with complete certainty, for probably the first time since i had started having PIV. shit happens right? and the fact of the matter is that you dont know for sure you arent pregnant, ever, if you are having even infrequent PIV. my own mother was 5 months pregnant with me before she even knew she was pregnant. this is extremely common actually, especially if you have irregular periods to begin with, you might not even notice a pregnancy until you are quite far along. but even if you have highly predictable cycles, you just never know, even if you are only “doing it” every couple of months. and most people in het partnerships are probably doing it at least that much. many unpartnered people are too.
nonetheless, in reality, if you need an xray or medication or whatever and the doctor asks you “could you be pregnant?”, you answer as to whats LIKELY true, tempered of course by whether you have the time and resources to be subjected to a pregnancy test in the doctors office before you are given what you need. answer “no” and the doctor crosses it off the list. HE is covered, just by asking. which is why he asked. knowing of course, being a doctor and all, that you can really never know for sure, if you are having PIV…but everyone is really invested in believing the opposite arent they? and for their own reasons. hes probably fucking his wife regularly too, and takes great comfort in this absurd belief that either one of them know for sure, at any or all times, that they havent created a fetus unintentionally. the fact that SHE has probably had a scare or two, and found herself pissing on a stick in the restroom at target probably never crossed his mind. and when the test came back negative, she probably never even told him she took it. why would she? wouldnt want to worry him. the poor dear.
so anyway, i had a few of these experiences after not having PIV for about 6 months, of really, definitely knowing that there was no possible way i was pregnant. and after that, i was startled actually to realize that i wasnt tiptoeing around the nigel anymore. HUH? i had been tiptoeing? apparently so. smoothing things over at the hint of a rough spot, or reaching out to make a connection when we werent connecting…and never expecting HIM to do any of this. *i* always did it, without even knowing it, or thinking anything about it. and i think it was largely to do with the fact that i knew i could be fucking pregnant, or could get pregnant at any time, and i needed the relationship to be solid, if and when this occurred. now that its not so crucial for that specific reason that the relationship is preemptively maintained, even though nothing else has changed and i still want it to work…well i am noticing that HE isnt really reaching out, at all, and that he probably never was. and that i am not as interested in doing it anymore either. interesting right?
i have written here before, mostly for the benefit of the young uns, that its extremely important that you never, ever, become dependant on a man, for any reason. mostly i meant financially, because thats a big one, HUGE in fact, and its so easily fallen into. but this one is new, and it surprised me. PIV makes you emotionally dependant on your partner, and emotionally invested in the relationship to a large degree, because you might need him in a pinch…and you are always in one, when you are having PIV.
this is of course in addition to the attendant trauma-bonding and medical events etc that are associated with PIV, when you are female. all of this is the end-result, for women, of a PIV-centric sexuality. and therefore, it should also be acknowledged that its probably (obviously) the entire fucking point.