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Oh, Great! It’s Mansplaining Dot Com! February 19, 2010

Posted by FCM in entertainment, MRAs, pop culture, porn, WTF?.
Tags: , ,

let me mansplain something to you

i nearly choked on my own spit when i realized that there is something out there, in the same universe inhabited by me, called “guyspeak.com.” mansplaining has been getting its share of attention on the feminist internets lately, so this struck me as funny. much like the MRAs “pwning” domestic violence, these assholes clearly dont get the irony: women dont have to fucking pay for a mansplanation, or even ask for one. thats the whole point.

if i may digress for a moment, this is what i get for attempting to watch something on the WE channel: the realization that mansplaining dot com exists (via a commercial) followed immediately by the realizations that whomever came up with the idea is going to get rich, and that people are actually going to use this service and find it not only fun, but “helpful” too.

and while i am digressing, i may as well explain that mainsplaining dot com was advertising during an episode of a series called “48 hours on WE” which if you havent seen it, is really just an old episode of the reality crime series “48 hours” but where a woman committed the murder in question, instead of a man. WE channel apparently bought the rights too all *those* episodes and shows them nightly, around 10 p.m. (after the kids are asleep!) you know, to address womens issues, and stuff, and things. thanks, WE channel!

so here we have it: doodbros dot com, or whatever, an entire web-based service dedicated to men, mansplaining stuff to women, women who actually have to take time out of their day to register to use the service. WTF? what ever happened to a good old fashioned anonymous contact form? i mean really. heres their tagline, which actually made me laugh: ask real men questions about anything, and get real answers. oh, goody! just in case anyone cant wait to be mansplained to within an inch of their lives, heres their manplaining lineup:

Teh "Chic Geek"

Mansplainer #1: The Chic Geek is equally comfortable amongst the hipsters at a Grizzly Bear concert or at home playing Wii Bowling with his friends, or if lucky enough, his girlfriend, on a Saturday night. (sorry, ladies, this ones apparently “taken.”)

Teh "Girls' BFF"

Mansplainer #2: The Girls’ BFF is your BS filter. He’s like a sweet and sour gummy bear. He’ll tell you if “he’s just not that into you” whether you want to hear it or not. But he’ll also give you a hug and tell you that you don’t need that guy anyway. (yes, do top off your ‘splaining with some uninvited physical contact. good idea.)

Teh "Funny Guy"

Mainsplainer #3: The Funny Guy firmly believes that the key to a woman’s heart isn’t wealth, good looks, or regular bathing, but rather a great sense of humor (and lasers; chicks love lasers). (i didnt add that thing about the lasers. its in the original. yes, really. guess he hasnt heard that we also like shiny things, and crave PIV-sex in life-threatening situations. his loss.)

Teh "Mystery Man"

Mansplainer #4 (and my personal favorite): Mystery Man will tell you the truth, as he sees it, without the hug. (oh great. an unapologetic mansplainer. these morons clearly dont know the first thing about mansplaining. if they did, they would know that men are ALL unapologetic about their mansplaining. duh.)

Teh "Wise Ass"

Mansplainer #5: The Wise Ass. When the chips are down and you need advice, why bother asking an honest, objective stranger when you’ve got plenty of family and friends to coddle you and tell you exactly what you want to hear? (yes, because if it hurts, that must mean its TRUE. right?)

Teh "Reformed Player"

Mansplainer #6: The Reformed Player knows the dark secrets that lurk in the hearts of men, mainly because they’re his secrets too. And he’s willing to reveal all the dirty truths — if it means womankind will forgive him a little for all those times he never called. (trust me asswipe. those girls have enough problems without you bothering them. so dont.)

i am working on getting a question together. one that will absolutely require the end-all-be-all of mansplanations. i doubt any of these clowns are up to the challenge, but i might submit it to the mansplainers, and see if i get a response. of course, the real test will be whether i get an answer, without ever having to ask the question.

on that note, i wanted to share the absolute most eggregious example of mansplaining i have come across to date: a “relationship expert” on MSN who mansplains to women that their husbands watching porn is unproblematic (regardless of how the women feel of course) becauase porn is really “just like getting a pedicure, but for guys!!!11!!1”:

For many guys porn is basically a 30-second spa day, complete with happy ending: It feels good, relieves stress and functions as a quick little treat — kind of like scarfing down a bag of Gummi Bears in the middle of the day. It doesn’t mean we’re not interested in having “a real meal” with the woman we love, but sometimes we’re in the mood for a snack.

thanks for mansplaining that, doctor. now, would you like to mansplain to me how porn is*not* the commodification of rape, and does *not* destroy real womens lives? or, would you care to mansplain how getting a pedicure is completely unproblematic too, when one considers the usually poor, brown woman performing this service, who sits on a stool bathing rich, white womens feet, for money? can you mansplain for those of us who are still reading, doctor: whats it like to have lost your humanity?

so, does anyone have anything they want to have mansplained to them? be honest ladies. if you are just sick and fucking tired of the doodbros and their ‘splanations, i feel you. i am sick and fucking tired of it too.


1. factcheckme - February 20, 2010

sorry bout the formatting problems here. i will be back later to fix it. at the moment i have OD’ed on HTML, and cant see the errors. in fact, i can no longer see straight, period.

2. factcheckme - February 20, 2010

k, this is the best i can seem to do with the formatting. its pissed me off thoroughly, and my eyes are bleeding. if anyone knows what i am doing wrong, feel free to mansplain it to me.

on second thought…dont.

3. rhondda - February 20, 2010

Yes, indeed, I would like a man to explain to me why I should not regard their genitalia as turkey necks and gizzards to quote Sylvia Path . I do tend to throw those parts of the chicken away or give them to the crows.
Although I have heard that some people regard them as a delicacy.
I am so sick and tired of women who mutilate their genitals for male approval.

factcheckme - February 20, 2010

I am so sick and tired of women who mutilate their genitals for male approval

as in FTM? or douching, shaving etc? we do all kinds of things for male approval, its true. unfortunately, its mandatory.

4. rhondda - February 21, 2010

It’s mandatory? I was thinking of girls who get their vulva’s changed or their vagina’s smaller or whatever. However, you know there is always the word no. Some say they do it for themselves and I really wonder about that. Economic reasons? It’s for your job? The need to appear perfect?

5. pmsrhino - February 21, 2010

Seriously? This is a real thing in the world? I’m sorry, but having a dude explain to me how porn is good is just stupid. Or how sex is good or how cheating is good or, you know, anything they love is awesome. Of COURSE they can think of a billion reasons why it’s a good thing and why we women should have to fucking put up with it. And I can’t get over that doctor’s explanation of porn being a man’s spa day. When porn ruins lives every day. Men get addicted and ruin their families and marriages and relationships. Women get hurt and raped on sets which seem to lack any regulation whatsoever since it seems even something as simple as mandatory condom use isn’t a norm. And it doesn’t matter what the women think? Lemme see if I can work this out… If your wife mentions that porn doesn’t make her happy and that it is a serious problem for her then just tell her to fuck off because she gets pedicures. ‘Cause you totally didn’t marry that bitch so you could care about her feelings or compromise to make a relationship work. Now go out and cheat on her to show her what she’s missing!

Geez, mansplaining isn’t hard at all. Are these dudes getting paid for this? Because I think I wanna be one of the advise dudes too. I could be “Mansplainer #6 Just One Of The Guys: She may not have a dick, but when this shit is so easy to come up with who needs one!”

factcheckme - February 21, 2010

i couldnt get over it either, pmsrhino. i first read it weeks if not months ago, and meant to incorporate it into a post but didnt. but this was the perfect one. its a fucking mansplanation, coming from a man who is supposed to be an educated professional, and who is supposed to be smart, and like, want to HELP people. guess he doesnt realize that women are people. many doctors dont. and you are right than mansplaining isnt hard. i seriously doubt there are really only 6 mansplainers on staff, just these 6 “personas” that the doodbros take on when a call comes through. so anyone could do it, if they were any quality of actor, at all. just channel a complete asshole, an utter moron, a total douchebag, and say what *they* would say. or even better, come up with a good, thorough feminist critique of the subject matter, and say the exact opposite.

factcheckme - February 21, 2010

i just had a flashback to when i was in college, and all the mansplaining that goes on at the bars. i think drunk college doods think mansplaining passes as flirting, too. its apparently the only way they know how to communicate, and works equally well in all situations. thank god i am no longer dating, or hanging around in bars. i was young once and put up with this shit because thats all there was, but theres no fucking way i could listen to even 30 seconds of a drunken mansplanation now without cracking up, and/or telling him off.

6. Miska - February 24, 2010

Great post FCM.

I am dealing with all kinds of mansplaining at the moment because I have started a new job There is no end in sight to the mansplainers who are helpfully trying to educate me about my duties, even though I’ve been working in a similar role for years.

There are a lot of women at my new company, but they only explain things when I ask them for help … funny, that.

Totally agree with you re college mansplainers too. If there is one thing that amuses me like nothing else, it’s privileged white doods getting all existential and philosophical. It’s fucking hilarious when the rulers of the world get drunk and start going on and on about the nature of existence, reality, politics and The Universe (and of course feminism – which was useful once, but has run its course, dontcha know?)

factcheckme - February 24, 2010

sorry you are being mansplained miska. its so frustrating. and really hard to keep from laughing many times, even when it might get you fired, or banished from the in crowd. but we do what we have to do, literally to survive. isnt that absurd? for some people, survival skills entail eating, and shitting every once in awhile, and not playing in traffic. for others of us, we have to smile and pleasantly “take” being mansplained to, literally to ensure our own survival. its like a bizarre reflection of what its like to really live. its like a bad joke. like the one who eats the most pickles, wins. the rules are so arbitrary.

i dated a dood in college who was all “truth is beauty, and beauty truth.” and he took it literally, and dedicated his life to the “pursuit of truth and beauty.” fucking asswipe! thats so rich, coming from a white male. for christs sake. i dont know how i survived (or frankly how *he* survived, as he certainly deserved the worst kind of punishment for the truth/beauty cliche). what if the truth is ugly? because it often is. its almost ALWAYS is. fucking dickwads.

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