Oh, Great! It’s Mansplaining Dot Com!

let me mansplain something to you

i nearly choked on my own spit when i realized that there is something out there, in the same universe inhabited by me, called “guyspeak.com.” mansplaining has been getting its share of attention on the feminist internets lately, so this struck me as funny. much like the MRAs “pwning” domestic violence, these assholes clearly dont get the irony: women dont have to fucking pay for a mansplanation, or even ask for one. thats the whole point.

if i may digress for a moment, this is what i get for attempting to watch something on the WE channel: the realization that mansplaining dot com exists (via a commercial) followed immediately by the realizations that whomever came up with the idea is going to get rich, and that people are actually going to use this service and find it not only fun, but “helpful” too.

and while i am digressing, i may as well explain that mainsplaining dot com was advertising during an episode of a series called “48 hours on WE” which if you havent seen it, is really just an old episode of the reality crime series “48 hours” but where a woman committed the murder in question, instead of a man. WE channel apparently bought the rights too all *those* episodes and shows them nightly, around 10 p.m. (after the kids are asleep!) you know, to address womens issues, and stuff, and things. thanks, WE channel!

so here we have it: doodbros dot com, or whatever, an entire web-based service dedicated to men, mansplaining stuff to women, women who actually have to take time out of their day to register to use the service. WTF? what ever happened to a good old fashioned anonymous contact form? i mean really. heres their tagline, which actually made me laugh: ask real men questions about anything, and get real answers. oh, goody! just in case anyone cant wait to be mansplained to within an inch of their lives, heres their manplaining lineup:

Teh "Chic Geek"

Mansplainer #1: The Chic Geek is equally comfortable amongst the hipsters at a Grizzly Bear concert or at home playing Wii Bowling with his friends, or if lucky enough, his girlfriend, on a Saturday night. (sorry, ladies, this ones apparently “taken.”)

Teh "Girls' BFF"

Mansplainer #2: The Girls’ BFF is your BS filter. He’s like a sweet and sour gummy bear. He’ll tell you if “he’s just not that into you” whether you want to hear it or not. But he’ll also give you a hug and tell you that you don’t need that guy anyway. (yes, do top off your ‘splaining with some uninvited physical contact. good idea.)

Teh "Funny Guy"

Mainsplainer #3: The Funny Guy firmly believes that the key to a woman’s heart isn’t wealth, good looks, or regular bathing, but rather a great sense of humor (and lasers; chicks love lasers). (i didnt add that thing about the lasers. its in the original. yes, really. guess he hasnt heard that we also like shiny things, and crave PIV-sex in life-threatening situations. his loss.)

Teh "Mystery Man"

Mansplainer #4 (and my personal favorite): Mystery Man will tell you the truth, as he sees it, without the hug. (oh great. an unapologetic mansplainer. these morons clearly dont know the first thing about mansplaining. if they did, they would know that men are ALL unapologetic about their mansplaining. duh.)

Teh "Wise Ass"

Mansplainer #5: The Wise Ass. When the chips are down and you need advice, why bother asking an honest, objective stranger when you’ve got plenty of family and friends to coddle you and tell you exactly what you want to hear? (yes, because if it hurts, that must mean its TRUE. right?)

Teh "Reformed Player"

Mansplainer #6: The Reformed Player knows the dark secrets that lurk in the hearts of men, mainly because they’re his secrets too. And he’s willing to reveal all the dirty truths — if it means womankind will forgive him a little for all those times he never called. (trust me asswipe. those girls have enough problems without you bothering them. so dont.)

i am working on getting a question together. one that will absolutely require the end-all-be-all of mansplanations. i doubt any of these clowns are up to the challenge, but i might submit it to the mansplainers, and see if i get a response. of course, the real test will be whether i get an answer, without ever having to ask the question.

on that note, i wanted to share the absolute most eggregious example of mansplaining i have come across to date: a “relationship expert” on MSN who mansplains to women that their husbands watching porn is unproblematic (regardless of how the women feel of course) becauase porn is really “just like getting a pedicure, but for guys!!!11!!1”:

For many guys porn is basically a 30-second spa day, complete with happy ending: It feels good, relieves stress and functions as a quick little treat — kind of like scarfing down a bag of Gummi Bears in the middle of the day. It doesn’t mean we’re not interested in having “a real meal” with the woman we love, but sometimes we’re in the mood for a snack.

thanks for mansplaining that, doctor. now, would you like to mansplain to me how porn is*not* the commodification of rape, and does *not* destroy real womens lives? or, would you care to mansplain how getting a pedicure is completely unproblematic too, when one considers the usually poor, brown woman performing this service, who sits on a stool bathing rich, white womens feet, for money? can you mansplain for those of us who are still reading, doctor: whats it like to have lost your humanity?

so, does anyone have anything they want to have mansplained to them? be honest ladies. if you are just sick and fucking tired of the doodbros and their ‘splanations, i feel you. i am sick and fucking tired of it too.