The Neo-Vagina Monologues

like women, vaginas dont have much of a voice in a patriarchal, misogynist culture.  thus, a woman playwright created “the vagina monologues.” 

the title was shocking, but even more so was the very notion that vaginas, like women, have experiences. of course, born-women know that.  but not surprisingly, noone ever asks about womens experiences, or those of our vaginas.  now that someone has mentioned it, my vagina is pretty pissed off too. all vaginas are, thats the whole point. 

vaginas are pissed off because they are treated like shit, like garbage. like toys. when in reality, vaginas are organs. organs, like hearts and lungs are organs. got that? good.  and organs, like, do stuff.  they are good for more than one thing.  working in conjunction with other organs and tissues, organs create organ-systems.  often, overlapping systems that, like, do stuff.  like this: 

now, a question.  what other organs do we deliberately treat like shit?  do we expose the heart and lungs to poisons, chemicals and irritants in order to improve them?  what other of our organs are considered defective and in need of intervention, when they are working properly in their natural state?  none. got that?  good. 

this is the state of the union when it comes to women and our vaginas.  our sex.  literally, our born-sex.  vaginas are organs, but women are the “other.”  medically, socially, and sexually, we are a defective knock-off of the real thing: men.  thats going to cause some problems for us. because its a shared problem, theres a shared history there.  a female-specific history, specifically related to our born-sex.  think i am an essentialist for pointing that out?  go fuck yourself.  then, consider this common example: our first periods.  menstruation is treated as if it were a disease, and women as if we are diseased, even though its a completely normal function of a healthy organ system.  and many of us remember the first time we menstruated just like we remember where we were on 9/11, or when kennedy was shot (or whatever):

our vaginas are also the preferred target of men’s abuse.  this necessitates men protecting us from other men, begging the question: protection from WHAT?  we dont need men to protect us, we need men to leave us alone.  but they never do, do they?  “the vagina monologues” includes the story of one woman who, as a child, was raped by her dad’s best friend.  her dad shot him, and she didnt see her dad again for 7 years because some other men sent him to fucking jail.  for shooting a rapist, while the rapist’s dick was still inside the mans minor daughter:

these are compelling stories, every one of them.  now i ask you, people.  what would a neo-vagina have to say, if a neo-vagina could talk?  this is a serious question.  to help you get into character, heres a prop: this is what a neo-vagina looks like:

note that its not an organ: its not attached to anything, and its one purpose in life is to be penetrated.  importantly, neo-vags arent the source of transwomens suffering: reportedly, they alleviate it.

i've got wesson-ality!

“the neo-vagina monologues” wouldnt take long.  “hi, i am a neo-vagina.  i am new here.  i used to be an organ, and i was part of a functioning male genito-urinary system.  now, i am good for just one thing: being penetrated!  by men!” 

because theres no history there.  considering that many women’s histories with their sexual organs are almost exclusively negative, thats not necessarily a bad thing.  i mean really. good for men!  that they can put on “female” like it were a pretty dress, or a nice pair of shoes.  their “vaginas” make them feel better about themselves, not worse.  

but mens fetishistic thinking about women’s fuckholes vaginas doesnt make an organ out of mere tissue.  and no matter how emasculated feminine one feels for cutting off their dick, “feelings” dont equal “experience.”  nothing can turn a hollowed-out dickskin into a babymaker.  its just cant.  the lack of shared history between neo-vaginas and born-womens pussies is proof that the owners of neo-vags arent women.  they are men. 

of course, men always talk, even when they have nothing important to say.  so its entirely possible that a talking neo-vag would go on and on.  but like men, it would just be wasting born-womens time with its baseless, irrelevant shit.  and it would be a complete bore as a play, because having no history, and no substance, the experience of a neo-vagina wouldnt engage you, wouldnt make you think.  “the neo-vagina monologues” would consist of a transwoman sitting on stage, talking about how much she loves her new fuckhole, and how feminine it makes her feel.  in other words, you would be stuck in a room with a bunch of slack-jawed transactivists and fun-fems for hours, which is torturous in itself.  and it would be the most boring.  monologue.  ever.