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The Dishwasher Dilemma February 17, 2012

Posted by FCM in authors picks, gender roles, news you can use, pop culture, sorry!, thats random.
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i found this on you tube (obviously).  i was actually looking for an episode of “teen mom” where the happy couple was fighting in the car about “having the same conversation over and over.”  about cleaning the house.  i couldnt find what i was looking for, but its not like its difficult to find examples of that particular argument, which is, in fact, my entire point.  you know the one: it goes “you never help me clean the house” then “i do too help you clean the house, i do this, this and this all the time” and then “no you dont, i always do everything and you never do anything unless i nag you about it” and so on and so forth.  its as common as…PIV in het relationships, and fights about PIV in het relationships.  now, why might that be?

i would really like to write an english-to-radfem translation program for these things, but im not a programmer so…small obstacle there.  but i can write about it, so i will.

you see, the very repetitive “housework” fight is about patriarchy!  just like everything else.  its about women getting constantly shit on by individual men and by men collectively and by mens patriarchal institutions.  and if there are no words to express this, its not a coincidence.  its very deliberate, this language problem, so that women are literally unable to even frame the issue in a coherent way, and in this case (as in many others) are rendered completely unable to express their dissatisfaction in reasonable terms that “make sense” (to men and other male-identified persons) mute so that womens reality is never acknowledged, so they never get what they need.

or perhaps more to the point, this language problem functions to ensure that womens reality is never actually actively and obviously discarded, with extreme and obvious prejudice, with an obvious culpable agent making those decisions, where even the men who allegedly love us tell us we can go to hell, to our faces.  no, its never hardly ever that obvious.  theres a reason for that.  it ensures that we never quite get whats happening here, or gives men plausible deniability when its pretty obvious they are fucking us over, deliberately.  so we never give men what they really and actually deserve, which is less than nothing.  and so we never see them for what they really are: the enemy.  of women.

SO.  let me put words to this one, if i may.

the very repetitive “housework fight” is about mental labor, and project management.  this has parallels to the work that men do, and that men get paid very well to do, and when men do it, its an actual, real thing, and is a skill that is very difficult to teach, requires intuition and good judgement, and constant vigilance and around-the-clock mental and physical labor (or whatever passes for that in mens world, 9-5 i guess?  8 to 8?  that one time some dood couldnt sleep?  cry me a river asshats.)  project management is one of the highest paid and most prestigious positions men reserve for themselves, because its the hardest and most important, and not everyone can do it, or is willing to do it.  so, lets go with that.  running a household is project management.

and project management, no matter what the actual project is, refers to both mental and physical labor, and includes that awareness thats always going on in the back of the project managers mind, where she knows the entire layout of the entire project at all times, is attuned to the slightest change and reads the tea leaves constantly to assess whats needed, to avoid potential exacerbations and escalations that will require even more work (and possible catastrophic failures, and snowballing catostrophic failures) down the road, and has many, many schedules running in her head simultaneously.  and it necessarily involves delegation of certain duties, especially very menial tasks that even the most unskilled laborer could do.  because the project manager’s time is worth more.

dont shoot the messenger, i didnt make this shit up.  im just using mens words and mens concepts here, since nobody seems to get it when women use their own words.  in fact, it might even be true: certain projects might actually need project managers.  its possible i guess?  that one seems right to me, having actually worked on projects before, in life.  how men deal with this reality and create their hierarchies around it is on them, im just saying.

so anyway.  an example of this kind of mental labor is as follows: i watered the plants that need to be watered every month 2 weeks ago; i watered the plants that need to be watered every 2 weeks 2 weeks ago, so…i need to water those plants, but definitely not the other ones, or all the plants will die.  and then i will reset the schedule in my mind.  that kind of thing.

so the actual watering of the plants is only part of it.  its a large part of it, because if all the mental labor happens but the plants dont get watered, we will have a very obvious failure on our hands.  but as incredibly important as that is, theres even more to than that, running below the surface that causes those plants to stay alive.  so if i ask you to water a plant, and you do it, how much is that really worth?  im just asking.  you arent the reason that plant stayed alive, now are you?  you wouldnt even have known which one needed water, or known which one wouldve died if you watered it just then, without me telling you.

and if i have to fight with you for more than 10 seconds about watering the fucking plant, its a complete waste of my time and i couldve just done it myself.  but even if theres no fighting involved and its done immediately, and graciously, its still not like very much of *my* labor was rendered obsolete.  you have made my life easier, but only a very little bit.  note that the value of the physical labor, and how much of it there really is to do, varies, based on the size of the project.

so.  if we borrowed the hierarchies that men use when they are talking about their own projects, and applied them to the example of the household, the men would be the unskilled labor, who only make a dollar an hour (or whatever) because thats all their labor is really worth.  you know, according to themselves.  and yet, rather inexplicably, they act like they deserve their own personal superbowl-victoryesque parade dedicated to all the awesome that is THEM, for watering a plant, and performing other very unskilled labor, when, in applying their own hierarchies, the work they just performed is only worth a dollar.  and when you give them the dollar, they act like the dollar is a penny.

this is really about mens dishonesty, and using and framing womens labor in a way that they would never use and frame mens labor, because it supports male power and damages women to do that, and thats what men do, and they never stop.  and they take away womens ability to express their reality, through disingenuous issue-framing and controlling language, because it supports male power and damages women to do that, and thats what men do and they never stop.  and women dont like this reality.  and men do.  thats what this fight is really about.

men are so impossible!

YES, yes they are, if by “men” you mean “the het partnership in a patriarchy, from women’s perspective.”  its based on lies, and in the case of the housework dilemma, its literally impossible to reconcile this one.  it is literally impossible to explain or confront this in a way which is consistent with maintaining the relationship, or maintaining the heterosexual partnership in general, at all.  and *thats* where advice-columnists go off the rails.  even “dear momma” pulls her punches on this one big time: she tailors her advice so that its consistent with maintaining the relationship.  its advice with an agenda.  in reality, this one cannot be reconciled.

i hope this is helpful to someone.

PS.  heres “dear momma” on PIV.  its pretty good.  no fun for whom indeed.

Welcome to the World, Baby Girl! On Workplace Sexual Harassment April 20, 2011

Posted by FCM in books!, news you can use, PIV, pop culture, rape, sorry!.
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okay i am feeling a lil bit cynical, so sue me!  the above video is a PBS special on “teenagers” (read: girls) being sexually harassed at work.  this girl got her first job at jamba juice, and within a few months she was run out of the place by a male supervisor twice her age, who aggressively and violently harassed her.  early on, she had a feeling that something was wrong…but she “didnt know enough about how things worked” to know for sure if it was wrong or not, so she let it go.  (note: this *is* how things work, in the world of work, when you are female.  sorry!  really, i am.)  later, when things got really really bad…she still didnt report it, because she wanted to keep the job.  eventually she did report it.  and in the end, even though this doods behavior clearly violated jamba juices corporate policy on sexual harassment and the assistant manager asked her to come back, and promised to fire said dood…dood kept his job.  it ended badly for her, and not for him.  in her words:  “he didnt go, i went.”

yep, that sounds about right!  welcome to the world of work baby girl!  it totally bites!

now…lets just get a few preliminaries out of the way.  first, make no mistake: workplace sexual harassment is all about men asserting male power as rapists and impregnators of women.  okay?  thats obvious.  when women dare venture out into the public sphere, men routinely and immediately threaten them with rape.  they exploit womens specific vulnerability to male bodies, to deliberately elicit a predictable terror response.  male workplace harassers are terrorists.  period.  this is obvious, where they call specific attention to our biological femaleness, using rape threats and allusions to unwanted PIV, when rape (and in fact all PIV) is known to kill us.  rape threats also serve to remind women, specifically, that we are not like men.  that all this bullshit about “equality” is just that: complete and utter bullshit.  that we are there on mens turf for many reasons perhaps, but our “equality” is not one of them.  and that we had better toe whatever line they decide to draw, or we might find ourselves raped impregnated, against our wills. 

take a deep breath, and accept that this is true about both men, and the workplace, if you havent already.  it will save you time.  seriously.

also preliminarily is this: most of what men do to women at work, terroristically, using rape threats, is not against the law.  see for yourself: its not technically (meaning: legally) sexual harassment, unless dood tells you you have to fuck him to keep your job, *or* his behavior is so extreme that it would tend to repulse a dirty old male attorney (yeah its a dubious standard to be sure):

catharine mackinnon has written extensively on workplace sexual harassment: in fact, she made it up.  before her, what women experienced at work, at the hands of sexually predatory men, was just “womens reality.”  workplace sexual harassment didnt even have a name, until she named it.  she wrote about what “reality” is for women, and sexual harassment is a HUGE part of that reality: studying federal workplaces (in the US) for example, she notes that sexual harassment occurs more often than it doesnt.  that is STUNNING, but not surprising.  not for any of us who have ever had a job, anywhere, ever. 

see, women cannot put down roots in any profession, in any environment, because we are constantly, constantly harassed and objectified.  by men.  at work.  it causes us to have less job satisfaction, and NO economic security, as we continuously seek out a better environment (there isnt one) and lose seniority and respect (and money) with every move.  men have no idea what its like to be on the receiving end of this, and yet mens success in the workplace is very much tied to this, to womens transience, low pay and lack of and loss of seniority, caused by being deliberately objectified and continuously sexually harassed and threatened, BY THEM.  and thats the way it fucking is.  we ARE being constantly harassed and threatened, with rape.  the data is there, if only anyone were willing to believe it.  they arent: instead, they prefer to believe gendered fantasies about women “prefering” to stay home and raise kids for example, where they are only fucking sexually harassed by ONE man, and not all men.  but i digress.

but, what i really want to say is this, and i say it to the young uns reading: professionalism, education, student loans etc will not take you out of the system.  all women are stuck within the concentric circles of sexualized oppression that dworkin described in right-wing women, and theres no getting out of it.  none.  its tempting to believe that theres an empowerful-ization attached to education and the career track etc, but theres really not.  because STEP ONE in living in a woman-centered reality has to be this: NEVER become dependant on a man, for any reason.  to be dependant on a man means to be subjected to a male-centered reality, central to which is dangerous PIV-centric sexuality and regarding women, all women, as whores.  they fucking demand it.  they make it so.  but in the workplace, men are everywhere: they are your bosses and colleagues, and you are dependant on them, if you get out here alone, saddled with debt, needing a job.  thats the part i apparently missed when i was planning all of this out.  at the time, i *thought* i was doing the smart thing, but the result is just a variation on the same theme.

i have said it before and i will keep saying it: i now believe that if me, my sister and our best childhood friend had teamed up early on and decided to have a go of it, of taking care of each other and committing to do so always, it wouldve been so much smarter.  my mother could have benefitted from this arrangement too.  the four of us essentially blew it, and with compound interest (and seniority) working like they do, it might be too late to properly cure it.  and thats IF i could get them all on board!  right now, my sister and our friend, arent.

my mom and i now are starting to see what we’ve done, and are exploring a better way for the two of us…but in the meantime we’ve wasted decades.  its so painful to realize, but its true.  professionalism, individualism, empowerfulization, WHATEVER, for women, is not the way out.  it never was.

Sorry, Fun-Fems, But Wearing High Heels Is Totally Ableist October 7, 2010

Posted by FCM in feminisms, health, pop culture, rape, sorry!, thats mean, trans.
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podiatry snuff film

this pic just never gets old.  okay, yes it does.  but its not my fault that its relevant to almost everything i talk about.  seriously.  i just work here.

i think it was over on the footbinding thread that i was being all ableist.  actually, i do it a lot.  i did it on the developmentally disabled rapists thread too.  i am shameless when it comes to being ableist, mostly because i dont think “ableism” exists.  not really.  or rather, i dont think that possibly offending minority men is ever a good enough reason not to discuss something that primarily affects women, and not men.  like…footbinding, and developmentally disabled rapists.  so i talk about them.  get over it.

not everyone takes that tack though, and they do care about it.  and its to those people i am currently speaking.  or…speaking about, behind their backs. thats probably more accurate.  although my stats are, like, sky-high and have been for some time, ever since a certain candyass reading-comprehension challenged male womens studies professor linked here about a dozen times, and some of his readers actually followed the links, despite his assertions that all my work was precisely and accurately summed up over at his place.  and then those readers stayed.  interesting!  but i digress.

see, fun-fems think that “ableism” is a problem, and they try to avoid it at all costs.  apparently, they frequently feel like they are oppressing each other with their gobs and gobs of (female?) privilege or something, and they bandy many such made-up terms about actually, that have something to do with “privilege” but they arent really sure what, just someone called someone out on it once and now its kinda like leprosy or something.  OOPS!  i said leprosy.  was that ableist?  oh well!  luckily, i dont care about being ableist.  not really.  but the fun-fems do.  and i think theres something they seriously need to consider.

see, i think its pretty obvious that wearing high heeled shoes is ableist.  sorry!  but it is.  teetering around on sky-high heels that are thoroughly disabling in the moment, making you an easy target for predators and making even the most innocent looking stretch of sidewalk your worst enemy is dangerous, and could get you seriously hurt.  thats why its stupid.  but its ableist because you get to take them off, when its not fun anymore.  okay?  its ableist because differently-abled people (notice the gender-neutrality!) are legitimately confounded by innocent-looking stretches of sidewalk all the time.  they are actually, in real life, limited or prevented from doing things that they want and need to do, by things like…high curbs.  uneven pavement.  garbage.

and when you wear high heels, so are you.  but you think its fun.  and if it ever becomes not-fun, you can just take off your shoes.  viola!  but not everyone can.  and this is kind of a problem, to anyone who actually believes that being ableist is wrong.  in fact, this kind of even offends me, and i barely even care about it.

and of course, high-heels are pretty much guaranteed to literally cripple you at some point, where you will need surgery to correct the damage, or will just have to live with being disabled.  by your own doing.  by your own choice.  to teeter around on disabling footwear for years, decades even, being fucking ableist every time you do, and culminating in the most ableist event of all: permanently crippling yourself, when you had the choice not to.  woo-hoo!  now thats good ableism.

when some people were born with real, actual physical challenges, and have to struggle every fucking day just to get out the door and down the street.  or, you know, they cant.  and when some others were injured or took ill somewhere along the way, and their health and livelihoods were stolen from them by something they couldnt control.

you can control it, and you are choosing to disable yourself, for fun, AND you claim to care about such things.  why is any of this okay with you?  this is a serious question.

from there, i guess i would include unnecessary surgeries, including plastic surgery and sex-reassignment surgery too.  i mean really.  its like some people are so interested in faking their way through life, that they forget what life is about.  and one thing life is about is risk.  every day you are alive is another day that something seriously bad could happen to you.  you might get sick.  you might get injured.  you might need necessary surgery, to correct something that has gone wrong with you.

because while every “elective” surgery you have could kill you, it doesnt mean that you wont also need necessary surgery too, down the line.  one of each, and you are doubling your chances of complications.  one of each, and you are doubling your chances of dying under anesthesia, or from a blood clot, or an infection, or medical malpractice, or any number of things that can go wrong with any surgery.  and…you dont always die.  what more frequently happens, actually, is that you end up living a good long time afterwards, with the disabling effects of surgical complications that dont actually kill you.  and you did it on purpose.

also ableist!  that is all.

Fun! With Numbers! The Sex-Positive Equation September 9, 2010

Posted by FCM in authors picks, books!, feminisms, health, international, liberal dickwads, logic, PIV, pop culture, radical concepts, self-identified feminist men, sorry!, trans.
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assuming i havent just eaten, and if its the third wednesday of an odd month or something and i am in the mood, i kind of enjoy observing, if not engaging, those silly old male-identified liberal progressive fun-feminists.  because every single time i hear one of them speak, it takes me further and further down the rabbit hole.  wheeeee!

twirling, twirling down the rabbit hole of sex-pos double-think, deeper and deeper into the vast cavernous void that passes for “logic” and “reason” in that post-modern dick-pleasing world.  honestly, i sometimes enjoy the ride.  much like engaging in conversation with transwomen in fact, the more i listen to fun feminists speak, the more obviously ridiculous their arguments become.  and this is a good thing.  because i get to make endless fun of them i mean systematically dismantle their “arguments” here, for everyone to see.  of course, most of the time, its literally impossible to figure out just what the everloving fuck they are even talking about.  but sometimes, just sometimes, when the planets are aligned just right…

regarding sex, PIV, and pleasure: the only pleasure fun fems care about is PIV.  its so obvious.  coincidentally, its the only pleasure heterosexual men (including so-called feminist men) care about too.  sure, they might envision a PIV-centric sexuality that includes other acts too, but they absolutely cannot fathom a heterosexual sexuality that doesn’t include PIV, at all.  thus we get the following sex-positive equation:

dont bullshit me people. i know its true, and so do you.

yes, unfortunately, this is what we are left with, when we break down sex-positivism and start seeing it for what it is.  “other” sexual acts literally have no value in a sexual equation, where PIV equals sex.  okay?  they are worthless.  no matter how “diverse” anyone wants to believe their sexuality really is, because they are doing “other stuff too,” the bottom line is that the only thing anyone cares about here is PIV.  its the only thing that has value.  so “sex” positivism is just a bullshit euphemism for “PIV” positivism, or PIV-reinforcive sexual practice.  why is this a problem?  heres why:

again, no amount of bullshitting will change the fact that PIV is dangerous, for women. sorry!

and this is one bitch of a big fat fucking problem.  oh yes it is.  and notice how the second frame actually explains the first:  if female risk is actually what anyone (?) finds pleasurable about sex, then its no wonder that “other acts” that arent specifically and particularly dangerous to women are considered worthless, and “not sex” in this paradigm.  oral is worthless, because it cant get a woman pregnant.  digital penetration and fondling is worthless, because it wont kill her.

now, its worth asking, of course, from whose perspective has all of this been created?  do women actually believe this shit?  or are they just swallowing (!) the same old PIV-reinforcive paradigm that men who like sticking their dicks into women have always maintained is true?  the one, true heterosexuality that all straight and partnered women must adhere to, no matter how disgusting, painful, morbid and ultimately deadly the consequences, to women?

and that PIV is even “pleasurable” at all, when so many women dont even like it, and they know how dangerous it is, and try actively to mitigate its effects, with varying degrees of success, for virtually their entire lives?

now, regarding the old “radfems is conservatibbs!” dodge, this is just a straight up lie, now isnt it?  is there a single fucking thing on this page that a religious conservative would find agreeable?  excepting of course that religious conservatives completely buy into the exact same PIV-reinforcive paradigm that the fun-fems, liberals, and self-identified feminist men buy into too, and that i have just described here.  whatever you do, do try not to notice that.

on that note, i highly recommend sheila jeffreys’ excellent book “the spinster and her enemies,” which absolutely destroys any possible argument that early or modern radical feminists were sexually conservative, and asks the question: from whose perspective would “abstinence” and “deprivation” appear to be the main themes, when women were and are trying to save womens lives, and the quality of their lives, from death, disease, and unwanted childbearing due exclusively to PIV?

that is all.

h/t to sonia, and her excellent guest-post here.

I Am So Passive, That I Literally Wouldn’t Mind If You Murdered Me. Really! I’m Okay With It. August 19, 2010

Posted by FCM in entertainment, health, liberal dickwads, pop culture, sorry!, WTF?.
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i posted this in the “woman hating part 2” comments, but i thought it deserved its own post.  its not because i really hate eminem in particular, or that i am in the mood to dissect media portrayals of domestic male violence.  really, i dont, and i’m not. its that this song has literally been haunting me for a week, and i cant stop thinking about it.  in short, i am trying to pass this earworm onto you all…and spreading the pain around.  sorry!

i first heard this song in the car, without the video images.  i pretty quickly figured out it was eminem, waxing poetic about domestic male violence.  not exactly surprising, whatever.  the womans voice i didnt recognize (its rihanna, for anyone who has been living in a cave even darker and deeper than mine apparently is).  but theres a line towards the end of the song where old em says that if she tries to leave him again, hes going to tie her to the bed and burn the house down.

i am not kidding you, this line just absolutely punched me in the face.  it really fucking did.  and it might be more sick and hateful than anything ive subjected myself to lately, but i dont think thats what was so horrible and shocking about it.  this line doesnt come until the end of the song, but the woman’s voice has been saying “stand there and watch me burn; thats alright, because i like the way it hurts” the whole fucking time. its at this point that we realize that its LITERAL, and that she really wants him to murder her.  or at least, she wouldnt mind.  really!  its ok, dont worry about it.

i have never heard a more passive portrayal of a woman, i dont think.  have you?  *is* there anything more passive, than someone who literally wouldnt mind if you killed them?  if there is, i cant think of it.

and disturbingly, according to the female voice, she also likes his LIES. i dont know if any of you have ever been in a relationship with an addict or a compulsive liar, but i have, and its the lies that make you crazy, absolutely batshit crazy, probably more so than anything else. and here we have a womans voice the whole time saying not only that she likes him lying to her, but that she LOVES it! women love crazy-making too! oh yeah bring on the prozac and the funny farm, cause we LOOOOOVE that the most.

of course, the fact that its rihanna singing the female part added a whole new dimension of fucked up-ness to it, once i found out. i dont know why they used megan fox and the little dude from the hobbit (is that him??)  i mean, why not just have rihanna and chris brown play the abusive couple male batterer and his victim.  now that would be hawt.  and rihanna herself is taking some shit for participating in this, because since chris brown beat her senseless, she is supposed to be “taking a hard line” against “domestic violence” now. which apparently means that “domestic violence” (can i stop doing this now?) victims cant make a living in the music industry anymore, but ABUSERS can. oh the shit just keeps going and going on this one doesnt it?

and i might be the only person on planet earth (seriously) who hadnt seen the video first.  but the song, without the images, was fucking haunting. the womans voice saying she LOVES it, that its all okay, even him murdering her was okay with her fucking ripped me to my core. it really did. but when i watched the video…well it was all very sexy wasnt it? YAY PIV! yay volatile relationships! yay skinny white kids. yay playing house.

and…well the GUY is on fire, in the end. yes, HE is being burned alive by…his passion? while she is being tied to a bed and burned alive, for real. mens emotional pain inflicted on themselves through their own crazy-making obsessiveness and violence, is the same thing as womens physical pain, inflicted on women by men. its THE SAME THING.  its JUST AS BAD. it hurts JUST AS MUCH.

oh sure it does.